lamp
i met shannon right at the end of may this year. we had our first date june 17, 2026. i took her to a hammock cafe. we traded journals and created pages for each other. shannons a poet, so she wrote an excerpt of one of her poems into my journal. i remember how nervous it made me, having said something about a kiss. i cant remember why we were talking about heartbeats, but she brought my hand to her chest for a moment. i have not felt butterflies like that in a very long time.
eventually, we went off to the beach and watched the waves for a long while. shannon is really, really, really something special. i didnt feel the need to fill the silence. we could find something to talk about and hold it decently(despite the nerves), but i still felt so at peace just being besides her. we hiked up and down the coast before settling on the sand. after a bit of quiet, she leaned back on her palms and asked if i'd go on another date with her. i really think i could have died then. i pulled out my calendar and we set our next date.
we kissed by the riverbank on our second date. the rest of it was perfect, but i cant stop thinking about that part. we walked around a couple lakes and cut up a mango and kissed in the backseat of her car and ate cake and went antique shopping and had such a good time i still get flustered talking to her about it. she had asked me how i felt about monogamy. i remember being taken aback, but not scared. i had spent the last year being vehemently against a committed relationship. i didnt know if anybody was going to shake that anytime soon. i told her i wasnt interested in monogamy, and then proceeded to immediately tell one of my best friends i could see shannon becoming my girlfriend. so much for casual.
we kept going on dates like this. hikes through rivers, getting in trouble with the coast guard, chess by the beach, sitting in gardens, making art together. everything with shannon felt good. and safe. light but still deep.
she asked me if id stay with her for a few days at her home up north. we had been sitting on a cliff looking at the ocean, just talking for a few hours. nerves settled in my chest but i couldnt imagine saying no.
she left for southern california for a week or so. once she came back at the start of august, i packed my car and drove three hours to stay with her for about 3 days. even now, three months later, i wish i came earlier and stayed later. we spent every single day going to rivers, watching shows, making art, reading poetry, learning about each other again and again. i remember crying by the river reading a poem and still feeling perfectly okay once i was back up with her. things usually weigh on me longer than that, but shes like a warm compress. soothes everything so quickly i dont even have to explain why its sore.
by this point, i was already under the impression we were exclusive. how could we not be at that point!!! eventually learned she was surprised when i mentioned our exclusivity. that was something i assumed and something she wanted, which is cute looking back. i love to remember the conversation. she lit up. i realized how difficult i had been and how difficult i didnt want to be. i wanted her very much.
its 12am and im very tired while writing this. i want to describe every single date and every single letter and every single conversation and every single drawing and every single look. she's since made me her girlfriend, which ill talk about once im awake.
i think i love her. is that too soon to say? i forget we've only known each other for about four months. i havent said it to her yet. i really want to. its very hard not to. hopefully she knows it. hopefully she feels the same, even if we havent shared it yet.
i feel at peace. i have finally found her