passing by
im really devastated about this girl.
her name is phoebe. she texted me november 3 2025. along the lines of "you dont know/remember me, we met at a party in 2021, and i havent stopped thinking about you. ive since moved to europe but i had to get it off my chest." she didn't even know if i liked girls. she didnt know anything about me aside from that party, my name, and whatever ive posted on instagram.
i didnt remember her at all, nor was i interested in anything coming from this, but we slowly began speaking everyday. it didnt start with romantic intentions, at least i didnt feel that way. we just talked about our interests, which overlapped, and our days, which were vastly different.
phoebe is a very very very special woman. she moved to france on her own after graduating highschool, getting into a very good school, and began working in germany about half a year before reaching out to me. she works hard, is very witty, incredible conversationalist, genuinely kind, smart, full of love and intention, so on and so forth.
due to timezones, i was asleep a night she was telling me about a poem she loved in middle school. she sent screenshots of her googling random lines she remembered from it, unable to find it. i happened to wake up, open my phone, and immediately recognized the poem: art class by rhiannon mcgavin. mcgavin has been my favorite poet since 6th grade, with art class being the poem that introduced me to her. i used to have the entire poem memorized. i adored it to the point of drawing several comics surrounding it. and at the same time in our lives, we were both listening to this poem, carrying it with us even until we finally spoke about a decade later.
i had mentioned how i love the translations i read of arabic poetry, and how i know arabic poetry is described as deeply romantic, but doesn't translate the same. how ive always wished i understood it as it was originally written. i didnt know she spoke arabic at that point. she had multiple arabic love poems saved in her notes, in which she promptly picked her favorites, read them to me in arabic, translated them into english, and then explained the cultural and linguistic nuances that were lost in translation. thats about when i started feeling flustered texting her.
we had been speaking since then, roughly 4 months now. we text, call, ive even sent her letters. she's let 'i love you' slip a few times, scrambling to take it back and explaining it away with 'i love my friends, and we're friends.'
she began working a new job that would give her more opportunities in california. she later admitted she applied to it immediately after i showed the first signs of romantic interest. she moved from germany to morocco for this job. from a big city to a tiny town, uprooting this beautiful life she already built in europe to spend a year in a new continent just so california could even be an option.
a few weeks ago, she said she would be coming to the states soon for paperwork. she said she wants to stop by california and meet me again. i told her id love that.
she had gone to iran around that time to see a sick grandfather. rightfully, we were both anxious about the trip, all things considered. she arrived safely and we kept speaking. when leaving, she got stuck in the uae; something about morocco not finalizing her resident paperwork. this lasts two days, before she tells me her company got involved and she's coming home soon.
she doesnt reply to me for three days. you can imagine the anxiety i felt.
her last response was thursday. i get nothing until monday. no explanation, she tells me she passed her driving test in morocco and has been busy with work. asks me how my weekend was. i tell her im proud of her and say my weekend is okay.
it is now saturday night and she has not texted me back. i do not know what happened. i wonder what happened but im mortified at thought of asking and receiving an answer i didnt want.
it was only 4 months. i didnt even know she existed. she claims to have dwelled on me for 4 years. even amongst moving continents, having flings in the meantime, making friends, going through rigorous schoolwork. she's shown me old notes she wrote about me during that time. i was getting excited about her. about her maybe actually moving to california, about having this beautifully cheesy poetic magical love story, about finally finding someone who made me feel good in all possible ways.
looking back, its crazy. she didnt know me. i was entirely a concept to her, and she admitted it. but "getting to know me was better than she imagined." she had hoped confessing to me would let me ruin the image she created and she could finally get rid of me, and she said it did the opposite - made her feel stronger and vindicated in the crush her friends teased her for the last half-decade. i barely knew her. she was a woman on the other side of the world who abruptly showed up when i was swearing off dating.
i dont know what to do with this. i dont think i loved her, i dont think i can love someone without meeting them in person, but im still choking on this heartbreak. i know the solution is reaching out to ask what happened, but i dont really want to know she lost interest and didnt want to admit it. maybe out of shame for suddenly losing it after all those years, maybe guilt for getting me interested only to let go, maybe completely apathetic to whatever little friendship we developed.
i just want her off my mind. my feelings are hurt and im really embarrassed to have chosen this position with someone i dont even remember meeting. i was so excited about something that felt very unrealistic, and i figured something like this was more likely to be the outcome than her moving and us falling in love and spending forever together. but the suddenness of it really gets me.