reflect
i didnt realize how unhealthy that friendship was until I ended it. i feel really uncomfortable when people are possessive over me, but I seem to have this terrible habit of letting people feel ownership over me anyway. for some reason. i think because I'm so firm in saying I love my independence, it means others wont start to depend on me. but then when they have these unrealistic expectations of me (especially ones they do not hold to others), I'm so quick to fall in line and do exactly what they demand of me. over, and over, and over, even if it makes me uncomfortable. because I want to be a good friend. but I shouldn't have to carve out pieces of myself to be a good friend. i shouldn't be in a friendship where I feel like I'm constantly crying and apologizing and never good enough because I'm not giving enough attention, talking to other friends too much, not communicating my own deteriorating mental health to explain why Im not texting 24/7. it destroys my self-image and self-esteem. i do not wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. i was so convinced I was an awful friend who couldn't keep up and kept failing them over and over. but I don't think that's right anymore. i stayed up hours and hours desperately trying to be good, I spent so much time/energy drawing and trying to include everyone, I hid my relapsing just so I could focus on their issues, I hosted events so we could all bond, I facilitated so much communication and did so many things that I felt uncomfortable doing/standing for because I wanted to be a good friend. i don't really need much. i like to go to school, go to work, go home, and chat for fun. i do not like overly emotional, deep investment friendships where I feel like my heart is bleeding out every conversation because I'm so scared I'm not being good enough. that I'm not smart enough, considerate enough, funny enough, fast enough. but I am all of those things. i spent the last year trying to pretend I'm selfish and always do whats best for me, but looking back, I have been sacrificing so much. i dont know who I am outside of trying to bust my ass for every part of my life. i want to be the best person I can be, and I think I'm pushing that too far that is working against me. i want to be selfish. i need to be selfish. i just dont know how yet